| Being yourself doesn't always work. |
[14 Jul 2009|10:05am] |
I am completely oblivious sometimes. After meeting the craigslist guy some guy friends of mine, Shmoo and Zippy, came to Plush to keep me company, and I was already drunk and I spent the entire night ranting about men and sex.
Anyhow I heard from Lenore and Zephyr after the fact that they think I am a crazy man-hater now. ARGH!! I do not hate men. I love men. I love them so much I sleep with tons of them.
I can't decide if I should try to fix their perceptions of me or shrug it off as a drunken night and fuck it.
The real confusion came when Lenore told me she is pretty sure Zip was interested in me. Hence why they came to hang out with me. I didn't know. I didn't realize I was being interviewed as possible dating material. I was drunk and had just had a terrible date.
I think Zip is fucking hot. I would be totally interested in dating him. Too bad I screwed it up by being myself.
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| WTF? |
[19 Jun 2009|09:05am] |
How many times does the same thing have to happen to a person before we figure out how to avoid those situations in the future?
Several years ago I was casually dating a guy who moved to Seattle, we kept up our aquantaince and I even visited him in Washington, and we went to San Diego together. Eventually he moved back to Tucson, but only because the girl he really wanted was getting a divorce. He told me, very sweetly, that if it didn't work out with her, he wanted to be with me.
Fuck off. No one wants to be the 2nd Place Runner Up.
And it happened again. Today. The guy I went on a blind date with called me this morning to let me know that he was interested and he is very sorry for canceling our date, but he thinks he might sorta kinda be in a relationship. But save his number, it probably won't work out anyways, and he wants to try with me next.
I am going to have a pity party today. Much alcohol involved. After all, I am losing my job soon, and if that isn't enough of a reason to drink myself into a stupor I don't know what is.
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| Blind Date |
[11 Jun 2009|04:02pm] |
So he turned out to be smoking hot. I had to call Kim immediately afterwards and thank her profusely. She was a bit insulted that I didn't think she had it in her to hook me up with a total hottie.
Of course I have been programmed to think good looking, charming guys are automatically jerks. It's an ingrained reaction, like seeing a red light and stopping. I was pretty hard on him. Lots of teasing jokes, at his expense. He didn't seem to mind too much.
I could really like this guy. But my own insecurities are getting in my way. All I can think is that I am not good enough for someone that attractive. I feel fat and ugly and it's a total self-esteem issue. Kim tells me to shut up and realize my hotness. It's not that easy.
I am also so afraid of getting hurt again. I almost canceled this date, just because I am not even sure I am ready to date again. I have not had the best luck in the last few years with men. I feel like I should be able to make smarter dating decisions, and I am definitely wiser, and a whole lot more cynical. But even so, my decisions and the things I say and do are all based off of my previous experiences which have basically sucked so far.
Mostly I am trying very hard not to care what happens either way. Whenever I care too much, guys become disinterested. And if he does like me....I am going to be very careful about the pacing of this.
I will not be the one begging for attention. I will not let sex rule my head. I will not turn my whole life upside down for a man.
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| Giving up on friends. |
[04 Jun 2009|04:14pm] |
I write so much on myspace anymore that I hardly know what to write about here. The nice thing about this blog is hardly anyone I know reads it. [except Darla, but all the stuff I would write I would probably tell her over the phone anyways.]
So I don't have to be very cryptic and that is a nice change. Michelle my so-called friend, the one who I lent money to and let borrow things that she never returned, she sent me a text message on my birthday. She also called the other night. I ignored both. And felt slightly vindicated by it.
I blew off Dodgeball last Friday night. I showed up with all the snack bar stuff, and basically dropped it off. I don't remember what set me off but I left in a pretty bad mood. Logan promptly texted me asking,'You ok?'. And I ignored him. That was almost a week ago and I haven't heard anything since.
For the short time I was at Dodgeball, my brother said something about how my rules[like having people sign in and keeping track of who paid], was going to make Dodgeball lame and people weren't going to want to come cause it wasn't fun anymore. I quickly replied with, "I am happy to leave right now." He then responded with something along the lines of, "Now you are just acting like you feel unappreciated and that's not true at all, if no one else here appreciates you, I do."
It was a nice thing for him to say, but it made me pretty upset and I left shortly after. Because it's a classic thing for my brother to do. Say one thing, and do another. His actions do not show any appreciation for me at all. I have been trying so hard for the last few months to do more things with him and he basically ignores me, or treats me like a nuisance most of the time.
I would like to be friends with him, but obviously he does not enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his and I am tired of always being the one making the effort to hang out. From now on, we can see each other at family gatherings for all I care. He did call me on my birthday to say Happy Birthday, but I think of that more as a familial obligation that he felt required to do. Although my sister didn't call me. She has disappointed me so many times and many of that so long ago that I hardly think about her. But I wish we could be friends too.
Sadly it doesn't work that way. Both people have to want to be friends. Like any relationship, it will not work if only one person puts effort into it. Eventually they will get tired of feeling unappreciated, and no longer answer your calls.
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| Jumbled Thoughts |
[28 May 2009|01:10pm] |
I realize I am not an easy person to deal with. I am a very emotionally needy friend. I need lots of deep friendships so that I can spread the burden around. I was feeling so depressed and so isolated just a few nights ago, and I couldn't think of anyone to talk to. I sent out a couple of feeler text messages and the responses were underwhelming.
So I drank myself into a stupor, threw some things, and cried myself to sleep. Always a healthy way to handle my emotions.
It's so hard to remember that it is ok to be/feel sad sometimes. We live in a world where everyone expects you to be happy all the time. A typical greeting is, "How's it going, or How are you doing?" but the only acceptable response is a happy one. I wrote in my personal journal that night, lots of emotionally charged stuff, the kind of stuff I would never write in a public blog. I didn't worry about grammar, I didn't worry about how crazy I sounded, the whole point was only to vent, to let out the feelings that I tend to keep bottled up because I have conditioned myself not to feel. I don't worry that much about grammar when I write these blogs either, now that I think about it. ;) [I am the queen of run-on sentences]
I am trying so hard to lose weight these days, as if somehow by becoming thin my life will change. But it won't. I will still be the same person inside. And even though I know this, I still have daydreams where I am thin, and somehow I am always happy. That irrational part of me continues to think that if I become thin I will somehow meet the man of my dreams. But do I really want a man who only liked me once I became beautiful on the outside? Shouldn't I be hoping to meet a man who thinks I am beautiful now?
I shouldn't care about meeting a man at all. But I do. As optimistic and as happy as people think I am, I am pessimistic about love, I believe I am too emotionally broken to ever have a successful relationship. I haven't given up, I just don't give things a chance. I'm so tired of being hurt, and of realizing later that it was all my own fault. I should have known, I should have seen the signs, I should never have fallen for a guy who didn't really love me, he just loved the idea of me. Someone without flaws, and I am surely not that person.
I sometimes struggle with the thought that I shouldn't even be worrying about a relationship until I am happy with myself, with my life, and all that. But if I wait until I am perfect, I will be waiting forever.
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| I am not your mother. |
[22 May 2009|04:10pm] |
I am not your mother. I am not your personal bank. So stop treating me like one.
I am a nice person. I do nice things for my friends. I do not want my friends to take me for granted or take advantage of the things I do. It’s why I have always been extremely picky about my friends.
If I offer to help you out with groceries because you are broke, that’s because I think you are my friend. This is a lesson that apparently I needed to be taught, but doing nice things for people actually makes them respect you less. I helped her out a couple times, and now suddenly I am the first person she comes to when she needs help. And she needs a lot of help, because the girl makes very bad decisions.
If you make the bad decision to go home with a guy who can’t give you a ride home the next day and you have to call me to pick you up….all the way on the other side of town. That is a once in a lifetime thing. I do not like driving. This is a situation that could have been prevented. If you had asked the guy if he could give you a ride home by a certain time because you had plans, then you wouldn’t be in that position.
Here is how it played out. I receive a text message from my ‘friend’ who is supposed to be meeting me at my house at 1pm, that says, “He’s still sleeping, I feel bad.” I don’t have a lot of sympathy and respond with, “Wake him up, I’ve been up since 6am.” She replies with, “He’s really being a dick.” So I reply with, ”Look, he picked you up last night, it can hardly be a surprise to him that you are going to need a ride back to your car this morning.” At that point, since she could see that her hints were going unheeded, she asked me if I could come get her.
I absolutely wanted to say no. It was almost 2pm, I had to be at work by 5pm, and I wanted to do the things that I had already planned to do during my very infrequent time off. But I am a nice person, and her car and a lot of her stuff was at my apartment, and I thought, this will get her out of my hair faster, so I’m going to do it.
I put on a happy face and drove out to get her. But at this point, our friendship is pretty much broken. It only gets worse the next time I see her. We made plans to work out after she got off work, and we are dieting together. I bought myself and her a weeks worth of diet food, something that I really can’t afford to do, but I thought it was a nice gesture. I want a diet partner and a workout partner. I do not want a child. If we are doing this as partners, then she has to buy her own food, and manage to somehow get her ass to our workouts on her own. I cannot and WILL not be in charge of it. It’s not my problem.
So we met up last night, and before she had even gotten to my house she was treating me like her mom again. She forgot workout pants, can she borrow a pair of mine? She forgot to bring dinner, can she eat at my house? When I forget things, I go home and get them. Just saying. I would never take advantage of someone the way she has been doing to me. And it’s incredibly hard to say no. She is right in front of you, and she has a way of asking that seems reasonable, but I am resentful of it, and I cannot be friends with her anymore. I just can’t. I do not want a confrontation. And I’m sure that if I said no or refused one of her ‘numerous’ reasonable requests, I would be labeled the bad guy. So I’m just going to stop answering my phone when she calls. She can keep the pants, and the shirt that she has borrowed. I’m pretty sure it’s a worthy trade not to have to talk to her again.
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| Long Time |
[22 May 2009|04:03pm] |
Alright so I haven't updated in over a year. My bad. I've been playing on Myspace instead [gasp!].
But since my good friend Darla is now using livejournal, I may pick up the pen [figuratively of course] again and start using this particular venue for venting.
There are other good reasons to use livejournal, namely that lots of people I know read my myspace blog and it's getting to where I can't write about certain things because the people that I'm talking trash about will read them and that could potentially be bad.
Yay! I'm back.
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[18 Apr 2008|10:43am] |
I'm coasting these days. One day at a time. I'm trying not to make too many plans or commitments because I find that when the time comes I don't always want to do them. Which means I've been flaking out on people. I hate that. If I say I'm going to do something I like to actually do it.
I'm an emotional trainwreck too. My ex and I used to watch Scrubs together almost every night. I watched it last night for the first time without him, and it made me cry. We broke up over a month ago and rather than things getting better and being able to move on....things have been worse. Everything reminds me of him. I dreamed about him last night, hours of strange yet realistic dreams. In my dream I finally got him to agree to see me in person, and we were having dinner with a big group and he still wouldn't talk to me, and afterwards I look up and he had disappeared.
I feel like I'm turning into the crazy stalker that he told people I am. That stupid ten page letter I wrote to supposedly give myself closure, I actually sent it snail mail. Last Sunday while overimbibing with a co-worker, she told me that she's been talking to my ex, and he said he still cares about me. Anyhow, that led to me sending him several drunken text messages. Way to go Laurel! Ugh. It's like I've got desperate written on my forehead.
I'm in a weird place in my life right now. I don't have the motivation to start any new projects or make any plans for the future. BUT I know I need to. I need a plan to get out of this funk and the last thing I want to do right now is make a damn plan.
One day at a time.....eventually it will get better....right?
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| Personal Change/Growth |
[16 Apr 2008|10:39am] |
I was thinking last night that I'm a bit of a control freak. Is that something people can change about themselves? Usually when I go on one of those 'I want to be a better person' rants, it's about eating healthy, quitting smoking, and exercising more. What exactly do you do about those less than desirable personality quirks? I've spent 24 years building up my walls, getting set in my ways, and being stubborn as hell. Is being self-aware enough to counteract that?
Even being able to identify when I'm being controlling is hard. How much harder is it to not only notice it, but stop and think, is there another way I can handle this situation? If you have only ever dealt with situations in one way, will you even be able to come up with an alternate solution?
Just wondering.
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| Closure |
[02 Apr 2008|10:45am] |
You won't talk to me anymore. I feel like you are trying to erase the last 5 months from your life. What a shame. I thought they were good months together.
You denied me the chance to see you in person and to talk about what exactly happened. Not only did you dump me via text message, but you unleashed a torrent of hateful things that apparently you've been thinking about for a while.
You were deliberately hurtful. I'm pretty sure you never really loved me at all. You told your friends that I'm a crazy, psycho stalker. Thanks for that. It's interesting to note that ALL your exes have been crazy stalkers. I'm sure it's not you at all.
The worst part is the way you insinuated that if I was lucky in a couple months you might consider 'taking me back'. What a way to string a girl along. How strange that women keep 'stalking' you when you never really fully break up with them.
So now I have to find my own closure. I wrote you a 10 page letter that I'm not going to send last night. It helped me create a measure of peace in my heart. There's so much I wanted the chance to say, and most of it honestly wasn't bad or mean, just truthful and explainatory. I would have liked to hear your side of things, perhaps once you had calmed down enough so that you weren't half-yelling through clenched teeth.
It's such a shame the way you let this relationship end. It could have been, if not pleasant, at least not angry and hurtful and mean, I'm not out to get you. I truly cared.
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| Yahoo Chat |
[18 Mar 2008|09:29am] |
Hey ValiumSummer, what a blast from the past. For those of you not in the know, which is pretty much everyone but me and him, Val and I used to chat in the yahoo groups about 2-3 years ago. I used to be quite active in the chat community. At one point I think Val was the only guy from that chat room that I hadn't slept with.
Quick update on my current situation. Todd and I broke up, and that is pretty much all I have to say about that.
I've been hitting up the renfaire pretty hard this year. Went twice already, kinda went on a shopping spree on Sunday, I needed to get some things to make myself feel good and pretty and I think I succeeded. I'll probably post pics on myspace.
Went out last night to Maloney's. Sigh, amateur night. The place was packed, full of douchebags and real classy ladies. Heading out to Fenderskirts on Thursday night to check out a friend of a friends band.
I don't like breaking up with someone, it always hurts when a relationship ends, but I kinda like being single as well. So many possiblities. I've always had an active social life and it's not hard to get back into the groove.
Time to work on me now. Back to my morning walks and yoga, eating healthy and trying to lose the 10lbs I put on while dating someone who loved to eat out.
And Val, don't be such a stranger, send me your email or something.
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| End of Year Reflection: 2007 |
[26 Dec 2007|11:34am] |
I started off the year by breaking up with my (ex) bf. I then proceeded to flunk out of school one last time, and I made the decision not to go back. I spent the last 8 months working full-time. My hard work has paid off because I am being promoted to Sales Manager at the end of January. Yay!
I joined the SCA (society for creative anachronism), which is a historical re-creation group. And coincidentally the place where I met Todd, the new man in my life. I'm in a really good place right now.
Another year of ups and downs, and yet here at the end I feel like it was a good year. Lessons learned, peace has been made, and I am happy.
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[06 Oct 2007|05:02pm] |
My wallet was stolen out of my purse yesterday. It happened while I was at work. Someone must have walked back into our office area and into my cubicle and yanked it right outta there. I actually got the wallet back, minus any money or credit cards. A woman found it in the Walmart parking lot. Yet another reason to never shop at Walmart, fucking thieves.
It wasn't a too traumatic experience, canceled the cards, filed a police report over the phone and the few charges on my card were already in the process of being reversed.
This morning at work I slammed my finger in the big metal door out back, that was fun. It broke the skin and split my nail right down the middle. Luckily my finger isn't broken, but it did bleed all over the place.
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| Weekend |
[01 Oct 2007|01:08pm] |
Went to Oktoberfest on Saturday with my mom and nephew. Alex met us up there and hung out for a few hours. Had a few beers, enjoyed a bratwurst. After Alex left a woman I work with and her husband showed up and her husband Steve was nice enough to take Rene (my nephew) and go do manly things with him while the women shopped. I picked up a nice turtle necklace, and my mom and Kim (my co-worker) both scored some nice goodies.
Breanne and I hung out later that night and stayed up till 3am watching movies and drinking wine coolers. And doing what we do best, gossiping.
Did some laundry on Sunday and Alex invited me over for dinner, ended up leaving a load of laundry in my moms washer and was yelled at for it later. Apparently it's very rude.
Clearly my lack of posting in the last year has reduced my readership to nill since no one seems to want a free gift from me. I was having fun thinking up interesting gift ideas, but we shall see.
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| Free stuff |
[28 Sep 2007|04:44pm] |
For the first three people that reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something.
It might be one of my prized possessions that I picked up in Thailand, or perhaps one of my many turtle themed figurines, it might even be something I bought from Avon (they have more than just makeup). More than likely it will be something completely random. If you are interested, just be one of the first three people to repost this and reply to my post. Email me (lshank83@yahoo.com) your full name and address, and I will ship out a free gift to you within the year, hell I will probably do it in the next month.
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| Beer Festival |
[23 Sep 2007|01:06pm] |
Last night I volunteered at the Sun Sounds Beer Festival. Basically I got an armband, a nametag and all the free beer I could drink. A good friend, and old co-worker got me in as a volunteer, working with her on keeping the food vendors supplied with napkins, paper plates, bowls and utensils. By the time I got off work and showed up most of the work had been done and I just distributed a few napkins and bowls twice throughout the night. The rest of the evening was spent sampling beer, catching up with my friend and enjoying the atmosphere.
( TMI )
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| Worrying about nothing |
[23 Sep 2007|01:01pm] |
A few weeks ago my mom had a PET scan done, and the results indicated extreme malignant lymphoma. Cancer.
Friday we found out that it was a rare case of a false positive, my mom had a biopsy done, and it turns out that she just has some infected lymph nodes.
The relief I feel is astounding. My mom and I are really close and I felt like I was losing my best friend. My mom says she feels like she's been given a second chance, and I agree with her. There's nothing better than fearing for the worst and finding out the best.
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| Where have I been, and what I've been doing |
[04 Aug 2007|01:50pm] |
I've been working hard to get my health under control. Treating my illness is no small matter, it involves a lot of introspection. I've been looking internally at who I am and what I really want out of life and I'm taking steps to figure it out.
I'm 24 now and I'm starting to feel the tick of the clock, time wasting away and little gained. I'm trying to take this experience and turn it into something good. The truth is that I haven't felt this good in a really long time. My bills are overdue, my car is a POS, my love life is nonexistant, and yet I'm not stressing out over it. Progress.
Luckily I have a job I love, friends who support me, and family that loves and cares for me.
I was thinking about going to Asylum tonight, but then I remembered the fetish ball and I wonder if Asylum is going to be dead because of it. Either way, I'm probably heading out tonight.
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| Sewing stuff, a new hobby |
[25 Mar 2007|07:53am] |
Lately I've begun creating my own Renaissance/Medieval costumes. I've made a simple skirt out of a lovely deep green material, with some gold braid trim around the hemline. I also made a long sleeved blouse out of a white eyelet material, with lace around the wrists.
My mom and I did some shopping at SAS, Fabrics by the Pound (which is a total lie!), and managed to snag some great deals. I've got some upholstery material in a burgundy with lovely details embroidered all over in the same color. We plan to make a full skirt out of it and to line a bodice with it. I have some gold and burgundy material that I want to make a bodice out of to match the skirt.
Last night I worked on a pale green blouse to wear with the green skirt we already made. The sleeves on this blouse are what really stand out. They are long and gather on the arm in two places, and come to a long point that drapes below my hand.
I'm not completely concerned with keeping everything period. We are using elastic and fabrics that aren't all from that time. Since these are my first few real sewing projects I thought I'd keep it simple and not use expensive fabrics.
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